Terrified
by AB01
Summary: Castle and Beckett are terrified of what could be. They have to overcome all their insecurities to be together.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Castle, either the show or the characters. I wish I did. A girl can dream, can't she?

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A/N: This came to me while watching a fan video. So thanks **nameisirene **over at youtube for the lovely Terrified Video and my inspiration.

Also, I desperately need a beta. Please PM me if you're interested! :D

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Since the events of the kiss, they had never really been alone. Every moment they spent in each other's presence was also spent with Ryan and Esposito, Lanie or the Captain. They didn't talk much during drives to crime scenes or to speak to witnesses. They had never been confined to the same space for a long period of time that was until now. They were thrown together in what seemed to be a decontamination chamber. He was surprised to find her already there waiting for him as it were. He looked at her in shock, wondering what she was doing there.

When they had started the day, they never thought it would turn out like this. It was a supposed to be a simple robbery/murder case, but that road lead them to a terror plot, maybe and radiation poisoning, maybe.

She looked at him in wonder- not because he was there, but that he called out for her. She smiled at him briefly as he paced the room talking about the case and the potential dangers of a bomb, if there was one. They took seats opposite each other. He wanted to take her mind away from the potential danger. He thought that he could cheer her up by asking about Josh.

The look on her face told him everything he needed to know. She started to tell him that she wanted someone who would be there for her and she could be there for him-she wanted more than anything to jump into something amazing with someone amazing.

His mind screamed for him to answer her and just as he was about to, a haz-mat specialist came in and interrupted them. He was disappointed with himself when that moment passed.

The day had moved on, THEY had moved on.

The past two days were a blur. He didn't know how he functioned like a normal human being, well as close as he was going to get anyway. There really had been a dirty bomb and so he had sent his family away, much to their chagrin. He had stayed. No one asked him why- he wished that SHE did.

As much of an ass Fallon was, he was in the end a pretty decent guy, when he wanted to be. They had worked together and in the end, by sheer dumb luck, the writer had saved the day. What killed him though, wasn't being as close to death as he had been, or sending his daughter and mother away, it was the fact that he didn't say to HER what he really wanted to say. He was interrupted.

He had a weird feeling of déjà vu- it was as if this scene had happened before, but the roles were reversed. He sighed as he entered his empty loft, sent off a quick message to his daughter and proceeded to make himself the hottest cup of hot chocolate he could muster. He wanted nothing more to drown in the warmth of the various sheets and blankets in the loft.

As he changed, his mind wandered back to the beautiful detective. She was probably with Josh, as she should be. It when the thought of Josh and Kate being together crossed his mind that his phone lit up. A new message- _Are you ok?_

He thought a while before responding back. He quickly changed and crawled into bed with his hot cup of chocolate. He picked up his phone and texted back- _As good as can be expected. You?_

A second or two later he got a message back- _Ditto._

She didn't know what to say after that. She wanted to speak to him; she needed to speak to him. There was so much left unsaid, so much hanging in the air. She sighed. She was wrapped up in the warmest clothes and blankets she had in her apartment. She looked at the emptiness on the bed next to her.

Josh was no where to be seen. He had been on call that night and he just HAD to get called in. After several minutes of cuddling, he told her he just HAD to go- a child's life was at stake. She let him. She couldn't bring herself to ask him to stay because she knew he wasn't the one she wanted to be with.

He didn't know what to say after he got her message. _Ditto_. If only she knew what he was feeling; sad, lonely, disappointment, anger- there was so much of it inside him that it was threatening to tear him apart. He looked at the phone again. It was 9:45pm- not late at all. His finger hovered over the call button what seemed like hours, though in reality it had only been a few seconds.

He received another message- this one rendered him speechless. _What were you really going to say to me before Josh arrived? _


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Castle, either the show or the characters. I wish I did. A girl can dream, can't she?**

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A/N: This came to me while watching a fan video. So thanks nameisirene over at youtube for the lovely Terrified Video and my inspiration.

Thank you so much for the reviews and the alerts. They are quite flattering and is seriously inflating my ego! Keep 'em coming! :D

Also- I don't hate Josh. I actually like him. I love Victor Webster. I just don't think that Josh and Beckett gel well. I don't agree with the people that want to die a thousand deaths and all that. He was thrown in there to cause tension…:-P

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His mind was running a mile a second. He wanted nothing more than to tell her how really felt about her, but the words wouldn't come out when she asked him. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. _Nothing. Just wanted to know if you wanted to get some coffee, but saw Josh and figured you two would want to spend some time together._ He didn't lie, per se. He told her the truth, ok a partial truth. It wasn't the whole conversation he wanted to have with her, just a part of it.

She read his message and thought about how considerate he had been. She smiled sadly. She started typing- _I would've gone with you, if you asked._ Her cursor blinked at the end of the period. Her thumb hovered over the send button.

Just then as if it was some cruel twist of fate, her boyfriend of several months came home, her home. She looked up at him as he entered the room and stashed the phone under her blanket.

"Hi honey." He said softly as he approached her bed.

"Hey…what're you doing here?" She asked him. She was surprised that he came- though not really showing it. What worried her more was the phone on her lap and message that was ready to be sent.

He peeled off his jacket and tossed it on a chair. "I lost her." He said sadly. "I got there and it was too late. We couldn't stop the bleeding. The family didn't speak English and the worst part, she had a pellets lodged in her heart. I couldn't do anything Kate. She was just an innocent bystander in a drive by. I tried, God knows I tried, but nothing I did could bring her back." He buried his face in his hands and sobbed, quietly. It was days like these that got to him.

She pulled his hands away from his face and wrapped her arms around him. "It's ok. It's not your fault."

Josh held on her tightly. "Hell of a day, huh?" He whispered into her hair, reminiscent of how the conversation with Castle started out.

She pulled back from him and looked at him sadly. "Josh I think we need to talk. I think you need to know what happened today."

She hadn't told him anything yet, she was told not to, ordered not to, but if she wanted to have a give them a try, if they stood any type of chance, she HAD to.

She took his hands in hers and started the tale, an overview of the case. Josh had pieced together a lot of it on his own, when they came out of the freezer. He didn't know the extent of the danger that she was in.

He listened intently, riveted and scared about what it meant for them, their relationship to have her put herself out there like that, almost every day.

"…And Castle pulled the wires out right as the counter hit zero. He saved us, plus half of New York. I still don't know whether it was brave or stupid." She laughed a little as she finished her tale.

He looked at her, trying to decipher the hidden message and he found the one that was blaring loudly. He wasn't there for her when she needed him the most, HE was. He wouldn't have been the last person, if God forbid the bomb did go off, HE would have. For every moment that Josh should've been there for her, Castle was. That's when it dawned on him that maybe, just maybe, they didn't stand a chance. Maybe they were trying too hard to work on something that would never work and maybe it was all because he wasn't Richard Castle.

He thought for a moment, trying to phrase everything correctly, without hurting her. He planted a sweet kiss on her cheek and bumped foreheads. "I wasn't there for you Kate. You have no idea how sorry I am that I wasn't. You faced death thrice and I wasn't there. I wasn't there to tell you that everything would be alright; I wasn't there to hold your hand or keep you warm. I just wasn't there." He said softly. "But Castle, Castle was…."

She cut him off, "Josh, that's not true."

He pulled back slightly. "No, the sad part is, it is true. I don't deserve you Kate. I don't think I ever have. I thought that we could make it, that we had this chance of becoming something great together and I realize now- how is that supposed to happen when your boyfriend isn't there for you?" He asked, angry and sad and himself. "You're so special. They don't make 'em like you anymore Kate. You stood by ME when I needed it. You're compassionate and selfless and I don't know what I would've done without you, but I wasn't there for you, when you needed me the most."

She looked at him, her green eyes sparkling with tears. "Josh, please don't say that. We can make it through anything, you know."

He shook his head. "No Kate. Not this." He planted another soft kiss on her lips. He grabbed his jacket off the chair. "He's good for you, you know. You two will be great together. We would've just been mediocre." With that he turned to face her one last time before taking the key to her apartment from his jeans and placing it on the edge of the bed. "You love him Kate. You might not realize it yet, but you do and being with anyone else, that's not fair to you or him."

She nodded. "You know, you're a good man Josh. There's a woman out there that you will be great with. I'm glad I got to know you. You've made me want to be a better person."

"No sweetheart, you've made ME want to be a better person." He smiled at her sadly and walked out of her apartment.

She quickly wiped the lone tear that slid down her cheek. It hurt, but not as much as she thought it would. He was right. He usually was. Josh was a good man, much too good for her. As much as it hurt, it was as if a weight was lifted off her shoulders.

She dug underneath the covers and pulled out her phone. She touched the screen to reactivate it. The message was still there on the screen. She smiled and pressed send and eagerly waited for his response.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Castle, either the show or the characters. I wish I did. A girl can dream, can't she?**_

* * *

_A/N: This came to me while watching a fan video. So thanks **nameisirene **over at youtube for the lovely Terrified Video and my inspiration._

_Also, I desperately need a beta. Please PM me if you're interested! :D_

_P.S. All grammatical/spelling mistakes are mine._

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She hadn't replied back text. He was getting worried, maybe she saw through his mask. Maybe, she didn't care. He shook those thoughts away. It wasn't until his phone blinked that maybe, just maybe they had a chance.

He was nervous beyond anything, but her reply, her answer, shook him, no shocked him. He wasn't expecting it. She had surprised him yet again. At that moment, he could care less who was with her or what she was doing- he needed to hear her say it- to reconfirm it.

Pressed three on his phone and waited for her to pick up; speed dial one being voice mail, Beckett was the second most, well tied for the second most important person in his life.

"Hey Castle." She said softly.

"Hey Beckett." He replied.

"So…." She waited for him to move the conversation along.

"Yeah…" He hated himself. The conversation wasn't going anywhere. He cleared his throat. "What're you up to? Josh not around?" He immediately smacked his head with his phone.

She swallowed hard. "He left a little while ago." She paused and contemplated on whether or not to tell him, the man who had quickly become her best-friend. "We broke up." She let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding.

He furrowed his brow and almost, almost did his happy dance. He was single and now she was single and that was an amazing thing. He smiled into the phone, but pretended to be concerned, sad even. "Oh, Kate. I'm so sorry."

She rolled her eyes. "It wasn't going to work out anyway."

"But you said…" He started.

"I know what I said Castle. I was wrong. Happy? Kate Beckett is the perpetual loner, married to her job, her quest to find her mother's killer and you…." Kate said angrily, tiredly.

"What are you talking about? Josh is an idiot if he doesn't see how amazing, how extraordinary you are and…" he paused and then it dawned on him. "Wait, what about me?"

She plopped back into the bed and covered her head with her blanket. "What about you?" She asked avoiding the question.

"No, don't do that Kate. Don't just sweep it under the rug. You mentioned me. I sure as hell want to know why!" he said raising his voice.

She could almost see that vein on his neck pop out- that's how upset he was. "Castle…Rick." She said softly, knowing she HAD to answer him, but a part of her didn't want to. It would make it real. Once she uttered those words that were forming in her head, her heart, she wouldn't be able to take it back. They could either move forward or stand still. She wanted to move forward, but she didn't if she would just be a flavor of the month. That's what worried her.

He took the pause as sign. "Can I come over?" he asked. "Or you can come here. Either way, I think we need to talk to each other, face to face."

She thought for a moment. She did NOT want him to see her so vulnerable. She wanted to be the strong, confident Kate Beckett that he usually sees. She shook her head in a no. "Not tonight Castle. We had a crazy day today. Get some sleep." She didn't wait for him to respond. She hung up on him, so close to telling him everything that was in her heart and yet, she had one foot out the door.

He just looked at his phone in disbelief. She hung up on him and he knew why. She just wasn't ready for him to hear it. He promised himself that he would wait for her, forever if he had to because in the end, she was worth it. She was his air. He couldn't breathe without her let alone be without her. The summer away nearly killed him.

He hated how things turned out. He hated how close they were. It was all about the wait now. He was ready to tell her how he felt, but he was scared of getting his heart broken, of losing her. He promised himself that he would rather have her in his life as friend than live his life without her.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Castle, either the show or the characters. I wish I did. A girl can dream, can't she?**_

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**A/N: Thank you guys so much for all the alerts and reviews- they really mean a lot to me. I apologize that I haven't updated in a while. We had a three day weekend and I couldn't get ANY writing done.**

**Thank you for your patience. All errors, grammatical and other wise are mine...  
**

**Oh and spoilers for Set-Up, Countdown and One Life to Lose.**

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"You know what we could call Esposito and Laine? Esplanie! Cause they're always explain things!" He was a little child.

She rolled her eyes and smiled. The events of the previous night, though not forgotten, were neatly compartmentalized to be dealt with at a later date. She was some what pleased that he didn't bring it up either.

"You know what we'd be? Castle and Beckett… Caskett!" He exclaimed, but quickly shut his mouth when the realization of the implication hit him.

She stopped in her tracks and raised a brow, "Caskett? That's the best you can come up with. Quite morbid don't you think?" She cracked a smile. "Why does it have to be Castle and Beckett? Why not Beckett and Castle?" She argued.

He looked at her wondering if she was being serious. He thought for a moment, "Caskett is quite fitting though. You know, since we solve murders and seriously, Beckstle sounds absolutely ridiculous!"

She shook her head at him, at his comments and proceeded with their investigation of the cast of Temptation Lane.

As the case progressed, they had learned a lot more about the private lives of the cast than she preferred, almost shattered the illusion the show created and in the process, she had revealed a lot more of herself to him than she realized.

She had always been comfortable with him, comfortable telling him things about herself, about her life. She opened herself to him when she told him of her mother's murder, well he did that on his own, behind her back. As she was finishing up the paper work, a small smile formed on her lips thinking of all the good things that he did for her when she thought she had only herself to rely on.

She knew he was approaching her, she could smell his cologne. She turned to face him as he placed an envelope on her desk. She slowly opened it and smiled when she saw the cast photo of Temptation Lane.

"Thank you Castle." She said softly, truly touched by his gift.

"You're welcome." He smiled at her. He was happy that she was happy. It wasn't a grandiose gesture of his feelings for her. He didn't want to overwhelm her let alone scare her off. A gift in friendship, he said to himself.

Her phone started to vibrate. He caught it out of the corner of his eye. His heart sunk to the pit of stomach.

She looked up at him, her gaze unwavering. She followed his line of sight and noticed her phone. _Josh_ the screen read. She looked up at him and opened her mouth to speak. "I should get that."

He nodded. "Good night," he wished her.

She was a bit taken back. He hardly ever said 'goodnight.' Actually, she could only recall him saying it a handful of times. Before she could respond, he walked away from her. She looked down at her phone and forced a smile to grace her lips.

"Hey..." She started.

"Hey Kate. How're you doing?" He asked her.

"Good. You?" She asked as pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I don't know even why I called. I guess I missed you. It feels so weird not to come home to you, or to speak to you. I don't know what to do Kate. I feel so lost without you." He sighed.

She was taken aback by his confession. She wasn't expecting him to call her ever. She side swiped his confession. "I was cleaning the other day and found some of your stuff in the closet. I can leave the box with the doorman. You can come pick it up whenever."

A small "Oh" escaped his lips. "Ok. I'm sorry I got so intense on you. I really don't know what's gotten into me. One minute I'm working on something, the next something or someone reminds me of you and I'm lost in thought about you. I'm just sorry I guess that things didn't work out between us."

She sighed. "I know Josh. I wish things were different, because you really are an amazing man, a good man-but you were right. I don't have feelings for you, not like I should. I think for me it just a temporary fix. I care about you Josh, I really do and I want you to be happy."

Josh took a deep breath. "No, I think it was the right thing to do. I know you would've tried to make it work. I know we both would have, but we wouldn't have been happy, just content." He paused. "I've been asked to work on the Haiti relief project. They want me to be the liaison between DWOB and the Red Cross. I've been thinking about it and I think I want to do it. I'll be away for at least three years, but I can't sit here and wallow, can I?"

"Wow, that's amazing Josh. I'm happy for you. I never wanted to hold you back. You're a wonderful man, who's caring and loving and so kind. You deserve to be happy, to have only wonderful things in your life. I hope everything works out for you." Beckett finished.

After a cordial parting word from Josh, she hung up the phone. She smiled. She cared for him, she really did and if hadn't been for the Writer, she would've been completely happy with Josh, willing to spend the rest of her life with him, if he wanted. But it was too late to think about what ifs. She was happy with the decision that Josh had made for them, for their relationship. She would move on, she would move forward.


End file.
